I’m two blogs in so really I’ve only got my toes wet, and eager for feedback I’ve been asking those whose opinions matter to me to have a read of what I’ve put on here already and give me feedback. The results are in and it’s a unanimous vote of confidence for the LTTTE blog…… however…… yes HOWEVER, one question I been asked is why I would want to expose myself like this? When I have something on my mind it’s the thing that I spend my 4am time on. So here I am at 4.17am contemplating the exposing myself question.
Absolute top of my Life List always has been to own a horse (TICK).
Second is to have a book (or story) published (NO TICK….. not even half a tick or a greyed out tick). I didn’t really find out until late 2014, early 2015 that writing was my ‘thing’ by which I mean it is both enjoyable to me and it seems to be well-received by the reader which in turn generated a feeling of worth and success inside me. I’d found it! My thing!
I was a broadly above average school student who has gone on to have a generally successful career but in retrospect there has been no particular direction or linear path to it. It has only been in the last 3 years that I’ve chosen to specialise in something professionally and found my focus personally. For some, a good example being my son, direction is so clear. A tiny maths genius even at primary school he is now in his fourth year of an MMath at Durham University and has just been given a place at Exeter to study his PhD in the field of algebraic number theory and arithmetic geometry (swear to god that second link could be in a different language), my point being he knows what his ‘thing’ is and it’s been blindingly obvious forever with him! Some people take the scenic route to get there – that’s me.
Sometimes motivation lacks, no matter how hard you try, you come up with a great idea but you just don’t have the energy to see it through. Or maybe you hit a bump in the road and lose momentum. Or maybe someone knocks you and you doubt yourself. These are all situations that can act as a success threat. Whether it’s luck, determination or just a following wind, my motivation and drive is ricocheting through me at the moment so undaunted by critique, time or doubt I am pressing on. I’m very aware of mortality, it’s a heightened state that makes me want to grab life by the neck or balls or whatever body part comes to hand first. Passivity is not an option or a route that I want to take.
I started two blogs before this one. One wasn’t suitable for the transparency of adding it to my social media platforms and the other was disjointed. I binned both. I don’t think being honest or revealing personal aspects of my life is exposing, if I ask myself would the person who I am writing about be pissed off if they read this? If I ask myself, is that how it really happened? If am true to events and to life then how can this be too much? I’m comfortable with what I want to say and how I want to say it.
Exposing or expressing? I choose the latter.