Tick Tick Tick….

Let’s talk about eggs.

Most eggs have a sell-by date, you know they are good for maybe up to a week after that but can be extremely offensive thereafter…… kind of like a woman whose eggs are going off….. at MENOPAUSE!

Now gentlemen, don’t look away….. this is for you.

If you are of an age where you have noticed certain changes in your own physiology chances are you may be occupying the same space as a peri menopausal or menopausal female. Rather like the male Silverback at the zoo whose cage displays the warning to avoid direct eye contact, a woman whose body has been waxing and waning with oestrogen should not be goaded or inflamed. A sensible man will learn to recognise the onset of an imminent threat. At this point an immediate ‘Code Red’ alert should be issued to all other family members and visitors should be issued with the appropriate PPE. Of course I’m pulling your leg, but jokes aside dear gentlemen you do need to be vigilant.

With more and more women shunning HRT in favour of battling on through without the increased risk of breast cancer that comes with drugs it’s something that you can’t avoid. I’m sure everyone knows the physical changes that take place together with delights such as weight gain around the muffin (like anyone needs that), thinning hair (sweet Jesus no), weakening bones (the shitty end of the stick), problems with memory and concentration (sorry….. what?) and MOOD changes, so really it is a pretty crappy time for that special someone in your life.

To the ladies, it’s not helping if you don’t actually admit what’s going on. Celebrities from Angelina Jolie to Oprah can’t shut up about menopause whereas previously it was only spoken about in whispered voices and given the moniker of ‘the Change’. It’s helpful if, even just once, you tell your co-habitees that they should BRACE for impact in the coming months/years. The way I’m thinking about it is that my body is moving into the next phase, a phase for me, not one for producing and raising children, one where I have successfully (I hope) completed that bit and I now no longer need those hormones coursing through me, yeah of course there are things that will physically happen as they change in concentration but I have to make sure that I am as healthy and positive as I can be to just motor on through it.

So to the men (or partners)….. one of the almost inexplicable parts of either PMT or menopause is THE RAGE! It is like a force of nature…. you can’t stop it. There are threads upon threads on mumsnet about the RAGE, it’s a real thing and only the foolish will fall foul of it. Sometimes women will deliberately goad men with questions we all know that men find hard to answer during the rage because we are looking for an argument. You’ve probably experienced something similar, it may start with a clothing crisis for an event, a decision is to be made but whatever she puts on she still feels shit. During the rage she may ask you for input. TREAD CAREFULLY. Pretty much without exception whatever you say will result in the rage being unleashed on you, like a giant tin of whoopass. A sensible man will find coping mechanisms, possibly avoidance to manage these situations. Sometimes we want you to break, we want to make you angry so that we can legitimately be angry back at you. It’s messed up, but when the rage takes over rational thought disappears out of the door. As a short aid memoire (and because I love a list) here are some facts about the RAGE:

• If she had patience before she will have NONE during the RAGE
• If she was low on patience before she will be in negative RAGE range (take cover)
• Nothing you say will help. Period. (no pun intended)
• There are zero mitigating circumstances
• Everything you do is annoying / irritating / inflammatory
• She isn’t fat but she FEELS fat (if she is fat then she just feels ginormous). No words will change that.
• Wine helps (short-term)
• Long term….. wine is an issue
• It WILL pass
• It’s not FOREVER
• Her body is changing, she may be in denial but eventually she will acknowledge it. BRACE.
• Exercise definitely helps but tread carefully how you approach the subject

So, open a bottle of Prosecco, fire up the laptop and tell her you want to book a holiday, keep up the positive vibes and develop a thick skin to see you through the tough times.

Peace & love